Ain’t No Perty About It

When life isn't sitting right and feels swamp-mud-heavy, the beautiful that other people hold, walk around in or try to point to for us makes the hurt of our right now flare up bigger. No one will ever really understand what we are going through, but they don't need to. This is our story, authored by One who understands all of it!

I haven't directly mentioned much about our family's current battle since last fall. Our situation is super personal and super deep and super misunderstood. Our tiny little town is doing its fair share of chatter -- imagine what the web would do, right?! What feels like centuries has only been months. Loving a husband with a mental illness that feels like it's trapping us in forever hard times and wreaking spiritual havoc in the mean time is tough stuff. Oh, the pages I could fill... Most days, the combo attack of caring for three kids, keeping up with my work at camp, and caring for my struggling husband push me closer to the edge than I'd rather go. When things outside of all this pile more stress, well, I feel pretty done to say the least.

Don't think I'm trying to convince you I'm some sort of saint for keeping up with all this (because I'm not) -- that's the last place I'm going with this post! My heart is for those of you reading who may be in a hard spot yourself. The kind of spot where life isn't beautiful, no matter which side you look at. The spot where you feel more like a zombie than a real person because every level of you is completely depleted. Let me be a voice you may not be hearing.

No matter what other "spiritual" people might say to you, it's okay to not be okay. You haven't lost your salvation because you're wrestling with your faith. While there's always something to be thankful for, it's okay to be wrestling with life in general. You don't drop down on the awesome scale when you can't do it all. Everything doesn't fit in a certain shaped container or have a nice, pat little answer. If God is speaking anything to me this week it's this: what God tears down, He intends to rebuild stronger and with a greater capacity to bring Him glory. The process feels disastrous and impossible and never ending. All we see is a heaping mess. But He doesn't leave us undone.