Go Ahead, Fall Apart
Falling apart is generally not a good thing. But I got to fall apart this past weekend, in the best way! Having walked 9 months in hopeless places, through horrible things, there was a dam of emotion waiting to be dealt with, a boatload of baggage that needed to be gone through. Much like mourning a loved one, I have been going through these crazy stages. Working at a thriving youth camp (read: busy season keeps getting longer!!), running a household with three kids very involved in life, and keeping up with general day-to-day demands hasn’t really afforded me the time to process. But when the numb inside started to thaw and the dam started springing leaks, I knew I needed to carve out time to fall apart or I’d be getting everyone messy with me!
Away from the demands of my special people, the house, work, and our schedules, my introverted self got the alone time she craved. Just me and Jesus (and a little bit of dark chococlate). Alone. For a whole weekend!
Crying, praying, writing, reading, staring at walls -- on repeat all weekend long. I cried an ocean of hurt and sadness and depletion right on out of my heart. My process isn’t over, but boy does it feel amazing to have unpacked some of the heavy churning of fierce emotion!
People haven’t really understood my need to process, and so late in the game – it’s been several months since Shaun came back in health! But I’m okay with that. This is what it is.
I'm sharing this with you because I think all of us are far too willing to sweep our struggles under the rug; we are quick to hide away the pieces of ourselves that are falling apart. Sometimes we just wish somebody would give us permission to be a mess. I want to be that person for you today. I don't believe every detail needs shared with everybody you know, but I do believe in living honestly and keeping things real. I believe in owning the reality that we don't have it together and that's good because that's when a move of God is experienced.
Can I be a voice in the head of anyone reading this today that needs it? It's okay to be a mess. It's okay to make time to wrestle out the things of your heart. It's okay to not be okay. Whatever you've been through, no matter how long ago it was, is real and has had real affects on you. It's time to stop stuffing it away, ignoring it, or over-scheduling your life so you stay distracted from it.
Fall apart with Jesus. He sees and understands, and knows what to do to redeem your mess. He's got good things waiting for you on the other side of your pain. For both of us.
