When Life Has Me Running In Circles
I’ve come to write a million times in the past months, but I’ve found my thoughts unable to land. Do you experience that? I kind of go into a blank stare and can’t find something to grasp. I’d like to blame it on the amount of things vying for my attention online and in real life, but if I’m honest, I’ve traded the habit of ensuring margin for my brain for numbing my mind with overstimulation. Sure my life is full — yours too! But that is a pretty lame excuse, dont’ you think? Aren’t you sick of that excuse? What’s that? How do I feel about it? Oh, thanks for asking! I LOATHE busyness as any excuse. I want to curse it, punch it in the face, and smash it into a heaping pile of warm dung and let the beetles devour it. American culture is no bueno sometimes. That I can’t find a way out of it maddens me…in case I wasn’t clear back there!
But honestly, is it the culture I’m stuck in or my own mishandling of my life? Much like money, my habits - if not told where to go - will find a path all their own. Getting back to the basics has been an ambition of mine for over a year now. Motherhood has shifted my…well, everything…especially having a kid late in the game. Finding Cassi again has been impossible, more than when my three other kids came along. So reinstituing basic habits has been tricky — but I’ve been plugging along. It’s just that it’s not going so well. The adage of two steps forward, one step back is a joke. The rhythm has felt more like one baby step forward, five million steps back. The list of reasons why doesn’t really matter, some things being out of my control, others not. The bottom line is that my reality is not what I want it to be. So how does one go about making real change?
It’s a question I asked a bird who was bathing nearby recently. A friendly fellow, he didn’t mind me being near, and I was smitten with his comfort with me. Thankfully, I’ve been lazy about cleaning up a tub on our back deck, so a nice little rain puddle sits in its lid. Providential for that bird, I’d say! (who knew my laziness could prove providential?!!) While he was grooming himself, he twitted about, splashing water, twitching it off, rubbing his beak, fluffing his feathers until he scooted up to a pole to dry some more. It was then I asked him his thoughts. How can I find real change, little friend?
He proceeded to remind me of a fantastic book I really enjoyed and got so much out of and should maybe revisit. I rebuttled that yes, it was a fantastic book, and very practical, but I just can’t make any kind of changes stick. So many unexpecteds kept undoing all my efforts. It’s like I was in a battle or something and my enemy was getting me to run in circles. Huh…like I was running circles…there’s something there…
My feathered friend must have felt he helped enough because he proceeded to fly down into his home in a nearby bush. (Something I was delighted to learn!) But he left me with more to think on. Which then also reminded me of a song that really impacted me recently called Running in Circles.
Here’s a few lines from the song by United Pursuit:
Lord, I come
To tell You I love you
To tell You I need you
To tell You there's no better place for me
Than in Your arms
To tell You I'm sorry
For running in circles
For placing my focus on the waves, not on Your face
You're the only one who brings me peace
What I need isn’t better habits, or to find Cassi again, or for the American culture to just settle down. What I need is Jesus — focusing on His face, not the life spinning me in circles. Margin is found in Him. For He Himself is my peace.
I’m so forgetful. I know this stuff. I’m so slow. When will I hang on to what I know? My thoughts don’t track right. I need the mind of Christ. I’m quieted as I realize again, in His grace, He spins me to Him again and again and again. If my God takes care of my feathered friend, He will take care of me and this life He’s given me to live. He truly is all I need. So I’ll begin again by finding His face; and then doing what He puts in front of me and nothing more. Deep Sigh.
Are you with me?
