Feeling the Breakdown

A life lacking in the quiet pauses of processing is a life sorely overloaded and on the brink of breakdown. I squared my shoulders to this reality in my own life this past year. The caring for the details of this life God has graciously given and placed me in takes its toll, but more than this, my mismanagement of energy, brain space, emotional and spiritual vitality was crumbling me. The tensions, emergencies, demands, and challenges we routinely absorb war against our the very beings of those who were created for a Garden. Not to mention the spiritual darkness we wade through daily. Or are they sometimes mingled in together?

Last fall, I reached a deeper place of realizing my body — mental, spiritual, and physical — could not go on much longer in the way it had been going on. I felt sick. I was withdrawing from people any chance I could. And I was running out of fight. This was perhaps my biggest red flag. I’m a fighter — not in the sense of causing trouble, but as one willing to put in the work for the hard thing, willing to get messy for the more lasting thing, unafraid to do what it takes for the things that matter. When I saw myself apathetic and numbing to the things I normally cared about, I knew something was wrong.

I will likely share more as we go, but today, I want to voice my concern for anyone else who may be feeling the breakdown in themselves. I needed permission to not be okay but still be a good wife, mom, friend, and ministry partner. I needed permission to not be okay but still treasured by the Jesus who felt so far from me. I needed to be seen and told that what I was going through made sense because of all I face. I needed to know there wasn’t something wrong with me, I was just battle weary. Can I give you this permission if you are in this place too? Life wears us down. Each failure, disappointment, struggle, chronic battle, weighty responsibility, relationship strains, and pressure we face slowly grinds us down. I believe that’s why Jesus continually went away to be alone and pray: to be restored, revitalized, refreshed by His abiding walk with His Father. That’s the piece I’ve mismanaged; I continually mismanage, actually. The abiding part. I allow the emergent life things to overrun the sit with Jesus things. I’ve been at this abiding thing for a while now.

S L O W learning process over here.

All this to say, I’m beginning again by beginning small. I’m hunting once again for the hopeful beauty all through my day. Those little ordinary things that used to grab my attention and delight my soul and lift my eyes to the One who faithfully walks with me and puts me in awe of Him. When I’m in awe of Him, the posture of my heart shifts in such a way my living becomes infused with life, strength, peace, joy and so much more because I live out of worship to Him. Can I encourage you to begin there too if you find yourself relating even a little to what I’ve shared here today?

You were made for more. You were made for Him!