When I Didn’t Want God

During one very dark, long season of depression, I sank into a depth of despair in which I was deceived and began to believe lies about God and myself. This was not how I normally responded to hardship, mental anguish or spiritual attack. Normally, I would cry out to God, go to His Word, recite the truth, and in time overcome with His help. I don’t want to play a victim to what I went through during this season; yet, what I experienced was at such a deep and intense level, I truly feel I was dealing with a sickness impairing me from responding in a rational way. Because my mind was weakened, I easily gave into the lies of my mind and my enemy. I had no inclination to cry out to God.

I began to be controlled by doubt, worry, and fear. It was as if I was on a boat and the more I believed the lies, the more water I took on, and my boat began to sink. I began to feel like God didn’t care or, worse, was angry with me. I doubted my salvation. I lost all desire to seek God. Therefore, I gave up. I stopped fighting. I stopped seeking. I stopped trying. Little did I know at the time, He hadn’t given up on me.

Thank the Lord that even when “we are faithless He remains faithful” (2 Timothy 2:13). Though I felt He was far from me, He still pursued me. After walking through the darkness for an extended period of time without seeing my way, feeling far from God, I was healed and delivered and brought back into the light. I experienced renewed hope, purpose, and redemption.

If you are walking in darkness, I want to encourage you: Don’t give up like I did. Hold on. Though you can’t see, there is a God who sees you, and He is able to deliver you and bring you into His marvelous light.